Things I’ve Seen, Pt. 3

Third edition!  (Short, but I just wanted to get it out, eh.)

1.  Sexy Dollar

Ryan’s free phone sex

Ryan received this dollar bill as change from some girl at some restaurant. Point being, he’s never spent it. His reasoning is that he would be weirded out giving it to anyone, though we told him he could just put it in a vending machine.

And, yes, we did call the number. It’s always an answering machine.

2.  Women Tornado Shelter

Sexist sign

So, what, is it a women’s only tornado shelter? What’s the deal? Also, why is this sign on the third floor of ENS … ?

3.  Superhero Volleball

Libby the Volleyball Superhero

Libby, we knew you were awesome at Volleyball, but this picture makes you even better! Seriously, you can shoot balls out of your hand?! Why have you not told anyone about this super power?!

-alex

Thing’s I’ve Heard, Pt. 1

After picking up on far too many ridiculous conversations, I’ve started to compile them into a rather length list to give you.  Here’s my first installment of Things I’ve Heard.  (Sorry, there’s only three for now.)  Enjoy the explotation of others!

1.  “So, What Are You Doing Tonight?”

The Scene: A Math major comes bursting out of ENS, in a hurry to catch a girl that had left a bit earlier.  He grabbed his bike from the rack and started pushing it forward, down the hill, while simultaneously trying to get on it quickly, tripping over himself many times in the process.  He caught up with her at the bottom of the hill and gave up on trying to get on his bike; it just wasn’t working out.  Mustering up all his available courage, he started an awkward conversation with her … About derivatives.  Clearly a sure-fire way to woo any girl.  After much coughing, long, awkward pauses, and stumbling through various conversations (that mostly failed), the following conversation finally transpired.

Guy:  So, what are you doing tonight?
Girl:  Oh, I don’t know.  Probably homework.  I have a lot of that.
Guy:  Yah?  Me too.
*long pause*
Guy:  Well, um … Would you want to do something?  I mean, with me?
Girl:  I don’t know.  What would we do?
Guy:  OH!  Um … I don’t know.  I … um … I guess we could do anything.  I mean, there’s always … Ping Pong.  Or Pool.  I have some movies we could watch.

The Lesson: I can only assume that at the point of *long pause* the guy was hoping the girl would take the initiative and ask, “Do you want to do homework with me?”  She didn’t.  And this was his first sign of failure, as he wasn’t even bold enough to ask her himself.  The next point of misery was the problem all too many guys run into:  They forget to think of what they could do if the girl actually agrees to hang out with them!  Plan ahead, be confident, act natural.

2.  Cross-Dressing Guy

The Scene: A guy and a girl are walking together, the guy clearly trying to impress the girl (he had “that tone”), the girl clearly unimpressed (she had it too).

Guy:  So, this is a great story.  Back in High School, me and a bunch of buddies were going to go to this dance, right?  So, just as a joke, the girls gave us their … Their …
*snaps fingers*
Girl:  Nail polish?
Guy:  Yah, that’s it!  Pink nail polish.  And we all put it on.  It was hilarious.
Girl:  Yup … That’s hilarious.
Guy:  But it gets better.  After we put the pink nail polish on, we thought, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we dressed up in dresses and stuff to go to the dance?”  So, me and all the guys wore the girls dresses to the dance.
Girl:  You crossdressed?
Guy:  No, no!  It gets better still.  So, the guys wore all the girls dresses to the dance, so the girls decided they would wear our suits and stuff.  It was hilarious!
Girl:  So, you crossdressed … ?
Guy:  No, no!  We didn’t crossdress.  We just wore each others clothes.
Girl:  You crossdressed …

The Lesson: Let’s see what Webster has to say to us.  Crossdressing:  The wearing of clothes designed for the opposite sex. Hey, buddy, you crossdressed.  And, last time I checked, unless you’re dating a drag queen, that’s probably not the best way to impress a girl.

3.  Winnie the Pooh

The Scene: Two guys, upon emerging from a building, look up the sky to notice the grey clouds.

Guy 1:  Tut-tut, it looks like rain.
Guy 2:  Ha, yah.  You know, it’s funny, everybody says that, but nobody actually knows what it’s from.
*long, awkward pause*
Guy 1:  Uh, dude … That’s from Winnie the Pooh.
Guy 2:  Huh?  Oh, right, I knew that.

The Lesson: You didn’t know that.  And you’re not a very good liar.  You should work on your comebacks for situations like that so you could at least try to play it off like you were joking.  But you must be a clearly deprived child to not have had Winnie the Pooh read to you when you were in your youth.  I pitty you.  Also, “everybody” doesn’t say that.  That’s one of the few times I’ve ever heard it quoted.

More to come as soon as I have time to write them up/overhear them!

-alex

Things I’ve Seen, Pt. 2

Here’s my second installation.  Enjoy.

1.  Enclosed Space

Unnecessary precaution

Question: When walking through a door, unless it’s leading outside, when are you NOT entering an enclosed space?!

2.  Love Making?

Awkward Facebook ad

Well, yes, I am 19. But … OH! Wait, there’s another line. I didn’t see that.  This was an ad that I saw on the side of Facebook, and the question mark at the end of the sentence makes a world of difference.

3.  ”Ramp”

Not a real ramp

First of all, are those quotation marks really necessary? Secondly, after looking at the picture of that creepy ramp, trust me, I will use caution when taking it! I’d rather not take it at all, actually …

4.  ”Caution”

Not real caution

This sign was at my Grandma’s retirement facility. In Iowa. I should hope that, if you live in Iowa, you know that ice is slippery. But secondly, what kind of caution is “caution”? I don’t understand.

5.  PMS = Wolves

PMS = Scary Junior High girls

The Rock originally said “Postermodernism = Wolves”, fashioned after that days chapel message. (I don’t expect you to understand that unless you go to a Christian college.) It was later edited to this. I like this one better. I grew up with two sisters. Ashley was OK, but that Jenna … Man.

6.  Hackett

Creepy Hackett

As Dave, Brad, Andrew and I waited in line at the Cedarville Pancake Breakfast (Labor Day is a big deal there … The guy who founded it lived in Cedarville), we saw this sign. Obviously, it’s coming up on election season, but we can’t help but wonder why he’s hiding behind the sign. So, I inquired …

Me: Why is he hiding behind the sign?
Dave: He’s probably a convicted child rapist.
Brad: Right, see, Cedarville is a really small town, so the chances of him standing behind you right now are pretty high.

Luckily, he wasn’t. Or, at least, he didn’t pop out and attack us after Dave’s comment. (You can’t take that guy anywhere.)

7.  Windy Day

Cedarville got the tail winds of hurricane Ike and … Some other guy that I can’t remember.  It was a fun time, and, of course, we all ran outside to play in the wind.

-alex

Things I’ve Seen, Pt. 1

I’ve been around the block a few times.  Here’s the first of many parts involving things I’ve caught on digital while I was out and about.

1.  Popcorn Isn’t Food

Museum in Duluth, MN

Apparently popcorn isn’t covered under “food”. Also, why is this for the safety of all visitors? I’d expect to see something like, “Don’t carry weapons of mass destruction, assault anyone, or sneeze.” That’s for the safety of all visitors. I’ll give them the smoking one, though.

2.  Warning:  Canadians

Museum in Duluth, MN

I like to think this sign is warning the Minnesotan residents against the potential dangers of Canadian immigration.

3.  Poor Editing

How do you spell “murders”?

I can’t help but wonder how many editors this book (which I found on the shelf in a bookstore) made it through before falling onto this shelf. Apparently not enough that actually got paid. This was on the back cover …

4.  Dead Frog

Petrified, very dead frog

Apparently he didn’t make it to the toilet in time. Poor guy.

5.  It Feels Good

Doctor’s office in Marion, IA

For real? This poster was in the doctors office while I sat there waiting for him to come in and “inspect” me. Considering it’s supposed to be a children’s poster (I’m assuming), it creeped me out WAY too much.  I do not like ladybugs, and you can very easily think of something creepy about the remaining items on the poster.

6.  Just Helping Out …

Obviously staged picture

Yah, right. This is about the most staged picture I’ve ever seen, even for a newspaper article. On top of that, what the heck are they even condoning? He’s carrying a BABY, for goodness sakes! Set the baby down before you put your gloves on, grab a huge log and a small stick … While wearing your jersey. Well, thanks Chad.

7.  Monster Advertising

Poor advertising

Make up your mind. Can I have ANY variety, or is Java really left out? Last I check, Java is totally a variety of Monster.

More to come soon …

-alex