Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 1

10 12 2007

So I’m new to this whole note thing, but I’m bored, so here’s some random thoughts from the mind of Dave Cox. There are some things out there that, no matter how hard I try, I really just can’t seem to understand. Here’s a few:

1. Women
Ok, this was a no-brainer, but I’m gonna mention it anyways. It’s amazing how two creatures with near-identical DNA can have¬†entirely different minds. For some reason, everything the man says has a completely different meaning in woman world. My solution: don’t talk. If every man mimed, I think there would be a lot less misinterpretation in the world. And by the way, if she asks if the clothes make her look fat, the answer is never, “No, you make those clothes look fat.” My face is still stinging…

2. Colbie Caillat Lyrics
I love Bubbly as much as the next guy, but I can’t listen to this song without some confusion. Here’s the lyrics to the first verse:

I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feeling like a child now
Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

Sounds innocent enough, until you stop and think about it. What the heck is a “bubbly face” anyways? The only answer I can think of is leprosy. Enough said.

3. People who go to Chuck’s just to be seen
I’ve seen them. You’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them. They lurk around the food lines, passing back and forth between the Mexican food, the grilling station, and the salad bar. They may or may not have a full plate of food with them. But either way, they never eat. They literally spend their entire lunch hour talking to the poor unsuspecting victims who are just trying to fry an egg in peace. No offense if you’re one of these people, but I really don’t see why you would walk around Chucks, of all places, just to talk to people who clearly are preoccupied with trying to get some food.

4. Biology
This exam is gonna suck…

5. Hallay and Luyah
You know who you are. The infamous gang who enters chapel shouting the half-words “hallay” and “luyah” at the top of your lungs in some sort of a singsongy, call-and-answer ritual. The question is: why do you do it? You’re not winning any friends, I can promise you that. I have yet to find the person who will admit, “I am spiritually energized by the students who yell “Hallelujah” as they walk into chapel. Without their spiritually motivated antics, I have no doubt that I would not be as close to God as I am now.” Find me that person, and I’ll relent. Until then, save the obnoxious yelling for sometime when we don’t all have to listen to it. Summer break works for me.

6. Suspenders
Unless you’re over 60 years old, there’s no excuse for these. Belts were invented somewhere around 5000 years ago (It’s true. Exodus 12:11 mentions them), and have long since replaced the need for suspenders. Plus, there’s really no way you can look awesome with them. If you don’t believe me, take Batman for example. The day he switches to utility suspenders will be the day I marry a greased pig. And for all our sakes, if you must wear suspenders, do so with a long sleeved collared button up shirt, a decent tie, and a jacket. Short sleeves, no tie, and no jacket is a fashion crime punishable by death in some areas.

7. Madden Video Games
This one’ll probably cause an uproar, but I’ll be honest. I don’t understand Madden, or any sport video games for that matter. If you’re so eager to play football, can’t you just go outside? I dunno. I think Madden could be a great game if it was reserved for hospital recovery rooms and handicapped people. It’s one thing to pretend if that’s all you can do. It’s another to let a pair of perfectly good legs go to blubber while the virtual dudes toss a football around.

8. Turducken
If American Consumerism needed a mascot, I would nominate turducken. For those of you who dont know, it’s a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey, hence the name. It just seems like overkill to me. There’s no way you can really enjoy the birds if you’ve got three competing flavors going on. Besides, I’m pretty sure there’s something fundamentally wrong with stuffing an animal inside of another animal. It’s not a natural thing.

So there’s 8 for you. I might throw up some more later on. Feel free to comment and add suggestions of other things with no explanation.

-dave