Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 2

14 01 2008
Since the first one went over pretty well, I’m doing another one of these. So sit back, grab a bag of popcorn, and enjoy another exploration of the mind of Dave Cox.

1. Tootsie Roll Pops
It’s a glob of chocolate on a stick encased in flavored sugar. The problem with these is there’s no way to make a good flavor of these. Blue Raspberry and Orange are not flavors that one would typically associate with chocolate, and for a good reason. Cherry’s the only exception to this, which is, not surprisingly, the reason Cherry is the only semi-decent flavor. And the genius who invented Chocolate-flavored Tootsie Roll Pops is the worst of them all. Why would you want chocolate encased in chocolate, much less hardened sugar that is advertised as tasting like chocolate, but is in reality a flavor entirely of its own? Which brings me to…

2. Grape Flavored Candy
Grape’s a filler flavor. Admit it. No one pees their pants with excitement upon hearing that there will be a new grape-flavored Sour Patch Kid or that Skittles is now selling bags of exclusively purple Skittles. Purple’s the one you save for last because you’ve eaten all the good ones or, if you’re like me, the one you eat first so you’ll finish on a good note. Either way, they’re no one’s favorite. This goes for Popsicles too. And everyone knows grape-flavored cough syrup is a gift from the Devil himself. I’m not sure what the world would be like without them, but I certainly don’t understand why they were invented in the first place.

3. Pink Duct Tape
Duct tape is the quintessential man tool. It’s durable, cheap, versatile, shiny, and smells like old gym clothes. Plus, you can make a wallet or necktie out of it if you need one. But why on God’s green Earth would you make it pink? I understand red or green or black duct tape. I even own a number of these. But pink? The color associated with femininity from the moment they clothe you in the maternity ward? I’m not trying to be sexist and say that women aren’t allowed to use duct tape. But if you ever saw steak-flavored lipstick, you’d be just as upset.

4. John Locke
This one has a two-fold meaning. First, John Locke’s a weird philosopher who decided that what we think is real isn’t necessarily real. I think he’s insane. Secondly, John Locke is the bald dude on Lost. I still don’t understand why he can walk now…But don’t spoil it for me. I’m still in the middle of Season 2.

5. H3s
It’s a sissy Hummer. If you’re gonna destroy the ozone and poison the air, you might as well do it in style. And by style, I mean one of those big ones. The H3’s pretty much a pansymobile. You’d look more manly in a Geo Metro.

6. Crocs
Everyone’s thinking it, I’m just saying it. Your feet, Mr. Crocs Wearer, are a blight upon society. The highly-ventilated foam monsters on your soles are the bane of everyone around you. Find me a single piece of clothing that looks good with Crocs, and I will kiss you. Because, until then, tacky will continue to take on a whole new meaning. And why would you call them Crocs anyways? Thats just an insult to reptiles everywhere. They don’t even look like a croc. If I was a crocodile, I would bite off your feet. And people would thank me.

7. Non-Alcoholic Beer
It smells bad. It tastes bad. It’s made from many of the same ingredients as moldy bread. And it doesn’t even get you drunk enough to forget about the aforementioned aspects. So what’s the point?

There’s part 2. More to follow…maybe…