Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 3

14 02 2008
Ok, so I’ve been asked to do another one of these, since it’s been about a month since the last one and that was how long it took me to put out the second one. So without further ado, more things Dave Cox doesn’t quite understand…

1. Pimentos
They’re the little red things they put in the center of Spanish olives. While they do add a nice classy touch and a splash of color to the otherwise drab martini dwellers, they really don’t do much else. I was wandering through the aisles of Kroger the other day when I discovered, much to my disbelief, that you can actually buy a whole jar of these things! A whole jar! Sans olives! What on Earth would you do with a jar of pimentos? Well, I guess if you owned a olive farm and wanted to throw a fancy cocktail party…

2. Diet soda
It’s soda, except “healthier”. Stop and think about this one for a second. Diet. Soda. As in, we’ll take something which is notoriously unhealthy for you, and then replace ingredients like sugar with cancer-causing chemicals, then sell it to the general populace and label it “Diet”. Don’t buy the lie. No matter how they dress it up, it’s still not good for you. And new studies are showing that the artificial sweeteners may even be linked to weight gain, not loss. My advice: stick to tea or water. Or, if you need more flavor, go with Vitamin Water. It’s fruity, delicious, and has 250% of the needed daily dosage of vitamin C per bottle (at least the kind I’m drinking right now does)

3. Lifetime
It’s a channel on TV. Which shows nothing but incredibly unrealistic chick flick type specials. The thing I don’t get it is why you don’t have to pay by the minute to watch it. If guy porn is pay per view, why isn’t girl porn? Not that I’m advocating the pornography industry, but it seems a bit one-sided. I dunno. I’m not sure why either is around, really.

4. Neckties
It’s a way to add a little bit of class to an outfit. It’s also something you can have screen printed on a t-shirt if you’re going for the redneck-who-doesn’t-want-a-date look. But what’s the point, really? They just kind of dangle there. And blow all over the place in the presence of a strong wind. And get caught in the zipper when you put on a coat. And give you something else to iron. On the flip side, who doesn’t love Dilbert’s perpetually curled tie? That thing’s a classic.

5. Instant Tea
It’s tea for out modern, on-the-go, consumer society. And it’s blasphemy. Tea is to relaxation as air is to oxygen. Tea that can be “made” in 30 seconds and then chugged down as you jump in your Hummer is ridiculous. Proper tea requires time. Time to brew. Time to enjoy. And time to relax, read a book, rest your legs, or, dare I say it, engage in meaningful human conversation. Instant tea is crap in a cup. Without the two girls.

6. The Skirts/Pants Dichotomy
Anatomically speaking, wouldn’t it make more sense for guys to wear skirts and girls to wear pants? Maybe Scotland was right after all…

7. Pluto
Why all the hatred? Some scientists with nothing better to do than to sit around all day and argue about who gets to be a planet decided to kick Pluto out of the club a little while ago. When the Plutonians get mad and come for their heads, I’m just gonna sit back and say “I told you so”. Stupid solar system elitists. As if having water on your planet made you the boss or something…

8. Grills
As in the Nelly song. The gold teeth plates. They make you look like a rich person. A rich person who doesn’t brush. They look ridiculous. And there’s no way those can be comfortable. On the other hand, I do love that song.

That’s all for this time. More to come…maybe.