Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 4

14 03 2008
I’m not sure if people still read these, but I guess there’s only one way to find out. So here’s part four of my ever-increasing list of things I find perplexing.

1. Cheese
Don’t get me wrong. I love cheese. I eat cheese at every meal. But that doesn’t mean I understand it. I know you start with milk. Sometimes goat, sheep, yak, or llama, but mostly it’s cow’s milk. Then, through some magic Wisconsiny voodoo, it magically becomes cheese. And not just cheese. One of over a hundred types of cheese. And they’re all made from milk. And almost all of them use mostly the same kind of processes. It’s simply mind boggling.

2. The Elmer’s Glue Mascot
I’ve been informed that it’s a bull, and Wikipedia confirmed it, so it must be true. But I’m still not convinced. The horns are certainly its most bull-like features, followed by the ring in the nostrils which, oddly enough, looks like a clown nose if viewed from a distance. But something about the eyes and smirk seems strangely human. So if it’s not a bull, and it’s not a person, what is it? So far I’ve nailed it down to a Minotaur or a demon. Or a clown. Those things are pure evil.

3. Tongue Depressors
The doctor uses these wooden sticks to look down your throat while you make weird noises for him. But why tongue depressors? Why can’t we use popsicle sticks? They’re the same thing, but thinner. And they usually taste like whatever kind of popsicle was on it originally. I think it would be a smash hit. Who wouldn’t choose cherry Creamsicle over wood flavored tongue depressors?

4. Dog Sweaters
Humans don’t have fur. With the exception of a few guys on the second floor of Brock, this holds to be universally true. So when it gets cold, we need some form of extra insulation to trap our body heat. This comes in the form of sweaters. Lovely, fuzzy, warm sweaters. Dogs, on the other hand, do have fur. They’re built to survive in the wild, hunting elk among the snowy hills of Canada. The fur keeps them warm even when the wind chill grows harsh. So why do they need sweaters? Isn’t that just overkill? If dogs need sweaters, shouldn’t they get cologne first? Somehow the smell seems like a more pressing issue than their external body temperature…

5. People Who Eat Bologna
Look at the last word of the above line. It doesn’t look appetizing. And neither is the food. It’s a puree of all the stuff that wasn’t fit for legit sausages, poured into a thick skin and left to set in a refrigerator. And people voluntarily choose this over good, clean turkey or ham on their sandwiches. If and when I become Congress (yes, I do mean the whole thing), I will unanimously vote that Bologna is outlawed under the Eighth Amendment’s “cruel and unusual punishment” clause, thus saving the taste buds of school children across the nation.

6. Eggplant
It’s not an egg. It in no way resembles an egg. The taste, smell, feel, sound, texture, versatility, nutritional content, and what happens when you throw one at a windshield are all different from that of an egg. And it’s not a plant either. Yes, it does come from a plant, but technically, it’s the fruit of the eggplant plant. So why do we call it eggplant?

7. Ohio Weathermen
Weatherman and baseball player are the only two occupations where you can completely miss half the time and still be legendary. In Ohio, all the more so. With a climate that swings back and forth more times than a PMSing junior high girl’s mood, it’s kinda hard to get an accurate forecast. Not that they don’t try. But I guess they do deserve some respect. It takes a lot to do nothing but be wrong all day, then go home and look yourself in the mirror and keep going. So here’s to you, Channel 2 Weatherman Carl Nichols.

8. Crayola Crayons
Once again, something I love, but don’t understand. Why do they name them the things that they name them? “Bitersweet” is the one that gets me the most. How do you give a flavor a color? That doesn’t even make sense. Or “Electric Lime”. How many people have actually hooked up a lime to a couple of diodes, flipped a switch, and ran a current through it, just so they would know what color to make it? “Screamin’ Green” is the same way. It’s a gross overpersonification. “Laser Lemon” sounds 100% dangerous, which is why we give it to our kids. And how can you name a crayon “Macaroni and Cheese” or “Granny Smith Apple” and then tell a kid not to eat it? Mixed messages aren’t good for developing minds. “Mountain Meadow” is a complete oxymoron. And, of course, there’s my personal favorite, “Beaver”. If you think I’m making these up, check it out for yourself:

That’s all for now. Oh, and if you read this, don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It’s the only way I know if people still read these. And if no one’s reading them, I’ll probably stop doing them.