Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 6

21 11 2008
To celebrate the holiday spirit, here’s some of my least-understood holiday traditions

1. Pie at Thanksgiving
I’m probably gonna take flak for this one, but hear me out. On Thanksgiving day, we eat a variety of foods. Turkey, corn, beans, cranberries, pumpkin, apples, and the list goes on. We eat these foods because they’re traditional. They’re traditional because that’s what they ate at the first Thanksgiving. They ate them at the first Thanksgiving because that’s what they had growing naturally in America at the time. But not pie. Pie crust is made with flour. Native Americans weren’t known for their ample supplies of flour. Corn, yes, but no one eats pumpkin pie with a corn crust. It’s delicious, and it’s traditional, but if you think about, it just doesn’t make sense.

2. Fruitcake
While I’m ragging on festive foods, I’ll take a shot at fruitcake. Everyone hates it. Even people who like it can’t stomach a whole thing. People buy them as gag gifts sometimes, but have you ever seen someone laugh when they open a present and it contains a fruitcake? It’s the thought that counts, but if the gift is fruitcake, the thought is irrelevant. There is no excuse for fruitcake.

3. Mistletoe
I feel no need to explain this, but I will anyways. Mistletoe is a hemi-parasitic, poisonous plant which people enjoy hanging in doorways and making out under. It’s an old tradition and it makes no sense. The only kiss-ish thing about mistletoe might be the hemi-parasitic thing (it’s a parasite that is fully capable of surviving on its own if it wants), and that really only applies to some high school couples and newlyweds (and I’m not sure the “hemi” applies to those high school couples). So essentially, it involves mimicking a plant which you walk under. I think next year I’ll hang a Venus Flytrap over my door and anyone who walks under it has to eat a bug. It’s festive!

4. Yule Logs
Also known by its other name, the “Great Ashen Faggot”, it’s a log. That you burn. On Christmas. Why this is more special than any other log you might burn on Christmas remains a mystery. It supposedly has something to do with the Norse god Thor, but Thor does lightning. And comic books. Not logs. So this tradition doesn’t quite seem to fit…

And so I’m not run out of town for insulting holidays, here’s some of the usual stuff.

5. Meatloaf
Nearly all American kids are subjected to this dish at some point during their childhood. If you’re one of the few who are unfamiliar with it, it’s composed of ground beef, breadcrumbs, seasonings, and sometimes vegetables or cheese, mushed together into a pulpy mixture and baked into a loaf, then slathered in ketchup (or catsup, if you prefer). So essentially, it’s a hamburger that someone beat the crap out of and then smooshed into a pan to give it the loaf shape. What doesn’t make sense is why someone would be sitting there, enjoying a delicious hamburger, and thinking to themself, “You know, this would be so much better if it was mushy, and baked, and coated in an unnecessary amount of ketchup, and if I needed a fork to eat it”

6. Mountain Dew Spin-Off Nomenclature
Mountain Dew’s name is a bit of a stretch as is, as it’s not anything like actual dew and is based out of New York, which is definitely not a mountain. Putting that aside, the spin-off flavors all have stupid names. For example:
Code Red (Cherry MD) – This one makes the most sense, since it’s red-colored and all. I’ll give them this one.
Live Wire (Orange MD) – This is where the stupidity begins. Live wire? Is this a subtle way of saying I’ll be “shocked” by how good it is? That drinking it will be an “electrifying” experience? That the high levels of caffeine will leave me feeling “wired”, with a “buzz” that will keep me awake?
Pitch Black (Grape MD) – It’s not even black-colored. It’s purple.
Supernova (Strawberry Melon MD) – A supernova is a star that is exploding. Ergo, when I drink something called “supernova”, I fully expect my lower jaw to melt and drip off my face into a tooth-filled puddle on the floor. Instead, it’s served chilled over ice. “Absolute zero” would apply here. That took me two seconds, and I did it for free. Meanwhile, a team of highly paid marketing experts got together for several months, and the best name they could come up with was “supernova”. Nice work, guys. Bonus checks all around.
Voltage (Raspberry Citrus MD) – See Live Wire above
Revolution (Wild Berry MD) – This name brings up images of Pancho Villa, Che Guevara, and V for Vendetta. The one thing these dudes had in common: Mustaches. Revolution would thus be a good name for the potion from Willy Wonka that makes you grow large amounts of facial hair. For a sugar-laced drink marketed towards “x-treme” clean-shaven teenagers, not so much.

7. Nerf Guns
When you shoot someone with a real gun, they bleed and die. When you shoot someone with a Nerf gun, everyone laughs and has a good time. When you pistol whip someone with a real gun, they bleed and die. When you pistol whip someone with a Nerf gun, everyone laughs and has a good time. No, wait. They bleed and die. It seems like we’re sending mixed messages to the kids here. Why aren’t the butt ends of Nerf pistols made of foam or something? You can’t imply that a Nerf gun is a safe alternative to a real gun when using it like a real gun can sometimes still kill someone. That’s like saying a dog is completely housebroken, but if he drinks the right liquids, he will still pee all over your duvet.

8. Bottled Iced Tea
Tea is traditionally served hot. For summer weather or those who don’t like hot drinks, there’s iced tea. And for those who are on the go, there’s “bottled iced tea”. Which is never true, because for it to be bottled iced tea, there would have to be ice cubes in the bottle. And the cubes would melt during shipping. So it can’t be both bottled and iced. It can be bottled cold tea, but that sounds stupid.

9. Bonsai
Bonsai is the Asian art of planting a tree in a really small pot and then trimming it as it grows, so that you wind up getting a really small tree. It looks really cool, but it’s a weird process. It’s sort of like Chinese foot binding, but with the whole tree, not just the roots. It’s more like dressing a baby in baby clothes, but then forcing it to wear baby clothes for the rest of its life, while you use sandpaper to file down whatever grows too big for the tiny singlet.

That’s all I got for now.

-dave




Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 5

9 09 2008

I haven’t done one of these since last spring, so I guess I could do another one…

1. Erasable Pens
Back in fifth grade, these were on the list of required school supplies for the year. So I got some. The problem was, whenever we were doing something that might need to be erased, like math problems, the teacher made us use pencils. So we wound up using the pen part, but not the eraser, which is the part we paid extra for. On top of that, even when you did try to use the eraser, it left a big gray streak on the page so everyone would know where you screwed up. Which seems counterproductive. So what’s the point?

2. Safety Scissors
This goes back even further than fifth grade. We all used these in kindergarten. Little scissors for little fingers with rounded tips and colorful handles. The rounded tips made them “safe”, since you couldn’t stab someone with the blunt point. What the manufacturers failed to realize was that the point of the scissors isn’t the business end. The blades are still as sharp as ever, which they need to be so you can cut your construction paper or remove the braided pigtails of the girl who sits in front of you. But they’re still knives, albeit smaller ones with no point. So these “safety” scissors sound like an excuse to put deadly weapons into the hands of America’s children.

3. Scented Sharpies
If you give a kid a cookie, you can’t expect him not to eat it. If you give a kid a toy, you can’t expect him not to play with it. So if you give a kid a marker that says it smells like cherry pie, you can’t expect him not to end up higher than a kite. So why make flavored markers and then turn around and tell kids to “just say no”? Seems like mixed messages…

4. Glue Bottles
Apparently I have craft supplies on the brain…anyways, how do glue bottles work? Glue is meant to stick to things, to hold them together. But why doesn’t it stick to the inside of the glue bottle? Does it not work until it leaves the bottle? Are the bottles magic? If we have the technology to make magic bottles, why are we only using them for glue? Why not toothpaste that only becomes minty once it hits the toothbrush, or taco sauce that only delivers that extra kick once it’s on your chalupa?

5. Toothpaste Tubes
Speaking of toothpaste, why does it come in those weird tubes? Any other bottle can be squeezed from the middle to the user’s heart’s content. Mustard bottles, ketchup bottles, glue bottles (see above), water bottles (see below), all of these can be middle-squeezed. But stupid toothpaste tubes don’t work right if you squeeze them from the middle. Instead, you have to squeeze from the end, which is entirely awkward, and requires you to set your toothbrush down on the beard stuble trimmings lining your sink. Yumm…

6. Bottled Water
Actually, not all bottled water. Just some kinds. And it’s not the water itself I don’t get. It’s the names. Such as:
Poland Spring — Apparently, it’s actually from Maine
Earth Water — As opposed to Mars water?
Ice Mountain — There’s no way that’s an actual place. Don’t all mountains have ice on them?
Pure Life — A favorite of monks, nuns, and popes. Sinners should look elsewhere for hydration
Roaring Spring — The Wikipedia page shows a tranquil creek. So where does the roaring come in?
Zephyrhills — The name looks like an STD. Or the drug they give you to cure it.
Deja Blue — “Hey, this tastes just like that tap water I just had…”
Bling H2O — For when water just isn’t pimp enough
Deer Park — Although it was a crappy movie, the opening scene of The Tuxedo places a weird image in my head when I see this brand…

7. Snapple Fact #131
”Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts seawater to fresh water”. Okay, fine. So penguins have a Brita filter in their head. I can live with that. But why? They don’t breathe water like a fish, so that’s not an issue. Is it just so they don’t have to stop for drinks when they go krill hunting? And if so, where does the salt go? Do they hock up a salt tablet every few days or so, like an owl does with fur and bones? Can they spit salt crystals at each other for the fun of it? (Snowballs would get old pretty fast, but no one would see the flying salt chunk coming) Or do they just eat it? And if they do, why separate it in the first place? Wouldn’t it just redissolve in the stomach? And if so, why don’t we hear more about penguin heart attacks on account of their enormously high sodium intake levels?

8. Surfboards
Don’t get me wrong. I love surfing. But I don’t understand it. Its a big floating chunk of fiberglass that you stand on. Waves are constantly determined to throw you off the side, and if that’s not enough, we’ll coat the board with a nice layer or three of wax, since something like wax could never be slippery when wet. As much fun as surfing is, I’d still like to meet the guy who decided that riding a floating death stick would be a good way to spend a weekend. It just doesn’t make sense on paper.

9. Jai Alai
Most sports can be reasonably explained as the evolution of a natural human activity. Soccer is the easiest example of this, since it boils down to kicking a small object. Bowling is simply rolling a ball at a specific target. Football involves transporting an object from point A to point B. But jai alai? It involves wearing a wicker basket-like device on ones hand and slinging a goatskin ball back and forth in an enclosed space at speeds of up to 188 mph. How does that even remotely sound like a good idea? At least Spanish bull running thing could have once been a rite of passage or something. Jai alai sounds more like a rite of idiocy.

10. Kangaroo Nomenclature
Male kangaroos are called “boomers”. Female kangaroos are called “flyers”. Oddly enough, kangaroos never go boom or fly. Nevertheless, their names suggest otherwise, although a six-pack of Foster’s may be suspected as the cause of this confusion. Also, why are kangaroos always depicted as female? They always draw a pouch on the belly for some reason. Which probably means boomers can get away with a lot more, since no foreigner would ever believe in a pouchless kangaroo.

11. Sudanese Justice
Be warned, this part gets pretty weird. Apparently, a dude walked in on his neighbor doing unspeakable things to the dude’s goat. He did what any Sudanese dude who was sufficiently creeped out would do and went to the local authorities. The authorities, in their infinite wisdom, decided that, since this creep was doing things to the goat which are usually reserved for one’s wife, then this man should marry the goat. As such, the creep paid a dowry to the dude and is now married to the goat. Mr. Alfini, one of the authorities, noted, “We have given him the goat, and as far as we know, they are still together.” Well, duh. How could a goat sign the divorce papers? If you think I’m making this up, the story is here

Okay, after that goat thing, I’m just not feeling motivated to do any more. Feel free to comment and let me know if you have ideas for the next one.

-dave





Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 4

14 03 2008
I’m not sure if people still read these, but I guess there’s only one way to find out. So here’s part four of my ever-increasing list of things I find perplexing.

1. Cheese
Don’t get me wrong. I love cheese. I eat cheese at every meal. But that doesn’t mean I understand it. I know you start with milk. Sometimes goat, sheep, yak, or llama, but mostly it’s cow’s milk. Then, through some magic Wisconsiny voodoo, it magically becomes cheese. And not just cheese. One of over a hundred types of cheese. And they’re all made from milk. And almost all of them use mostly the same kind of processes. It’s simply mind boggling.

2. The Elmer’s Glue Mascot
I’ve been informed that it’s a bull, and Wikipedia confirmed it, so it must be true. But I’m still not convinced. The horns are certainly its most bull-like features, followed by the ring in the nostrils which, oddly enough, looks like a clown nose if viewed from a distance. But something about the eyes and smirk seems strangely human. So if it’s not a bull, and it’s not a person, what is it? So far I’ve nailed it down to a Minotaur or a demon. Or a clown. Those things are pure evil.

3. Tongue Depressors
The doctor uses these wooden sticks to look down your throat while you make weird noises for him. But why tongue depressors? Why can’t we use popsicle sticks? They’re the same thing, but thinner. And they usually taste like whatever kind of popsicle was on it originally. I think it would be a smash hit. Who wouldn’t choose cherry Creamsicle over wood flavored tongue depressors?

4. Dog Sweaters
Humans don’t have fur. With the exception of a few guys on the second floor of Brock, this holds to be universally true. So when it gets cold, we need some form of extra insulation to trap our body heat. This comes in the form of sweaters. Lovely, fuzzy, warm sweaters. Dogs, on the other hand, do have fur. They’re built to survive in the wild, hunting elk among the snowy hills of Canada. The fur keeps them warm even when the wind chill grows harsh. So why do they need sweaters? Isn’t that just overkill? If dogs need sweaters, shouldn’t they get cologne first? Somehow the smell seems like a more pressing issue than their external body temperature…

5. People Who Eat Bologna
Look at the last word of the above line. It doesn’t look appetizing. And neither is the food. It’s a puree of all the stuff that wasn’t fit for legit sausages, poured into a thick skin and left to set in a refrigerator. And people voluntarily choose this over good, clean turkey or ham on their sandwiches. If and when I become Congress (yes, I do mean the whole thing), I will unanimously vote that Bologna is outlawed under the Eighth Amendment’s “cruel and unusual punishment” clause, thus saving the taste buds of school children across the nation.

6. Eggplant
It’s not an egg. It in no way resembles an egg. The taste, smell, feel, sound, texture, versatility, nutritional content, and what happens when you throw one at a windshield are all different from that of an egg. And it’s not a plant either. Yes, it does come from a plant, but technically, it’s the fruit of the eggplant plant. So why do we call it eggplant?

7. Ohio Weathermen
Weatherman and baseball player are the only two occupations where you can completely miss half the time and still be legendary. In Ohio, all the more so. With a climate that swings back and forth more times than a PMSing junior high girl’s mood, it’s kinda hard to get an accurate forecast. Not that they don’t try. But I guess they do deserve some respect. It takes a lot to do nothing but be wrong all day, then go home and look yourself in the mirror and keep going. So here’s to you, Channel 2 Weatherman Carl Nichols.

8. Crayola Crayons
Once again, something I love, but don’t understand. Why do they name them the things that they name them? “Bitersweet” is the one that gets me the most. How do you give a flavor a color? That doesn’t even make sense. Or “Electric Lime”. How many people have actually hooked up a lime to a couple of diodes, flipped a switch, and ran a current through it, just so they would know what color to make it? “Screamin’ Green” is the same way. It’s a gross overpersonification. “Laser Lemon” sounds 100% dangerous, which is why we give it to our kids. And how can you name a crayon “Macaroni and Cheese” or “Granny Smith Apple” and then tell a kid not to eat it? Mixed messages aren’t good for developing minds. “Mountain Meadow” is a complete oxymoron. And, of course, there’s my personal favorite, “Beaver”. If you think I’m making these up, check it out for yourself:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Crayola_crayon_colors

That’s all for now. Oh, and if you read this, don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It’s the only way I know if people still read these. And if no one’s reading them, I’ll probably stop doing them.

-dave





Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 3

14 02 2008
Ok, so I’ve been asked to do another one of these, since it’s been about a month since the last one and that was how long it took me to put out the second one. So without further ado, more things Dave Cox doesn’t quite understand…

1. Pimentos
They’re the little red things they put in the center of Spanish olives. While they do add a nice classy touch and a splash of color to the otherwise drab martini dwellers, they really don’t do much else. I was wandering through the aisles of Kroger the other day when I discovered, much to my disbelief, that you can actually buy a whole jar of these things! A whole jar! Sans olives! What on Earth would you do with a jar of pimentos? Well, I guess if you owned a olive farm and wanted to throw a fancy cocktail party…

2. Diet soda
It’s soda, except “healthier”. Stop and think about this one for a second. Diet. Soda. As in, we’ll take something which is notoriously unhealthy for you, and then replace ingredients like sugar with cancer-causing chemicals, then sell it to the general populace and label it “Diet”. Don’t buy the lie. No matter how they dress it up, it’s still not good for you. And new studies are showing that the artificial sweeteners may even be linked to weight gain, not loss. My advice: stick to tea or water. Or, if you need more flavor, go with Vitamin Water. It’s fruity, delicious, and has 250% of the needed daily dosage of vitamin C per bottle (at least the kind I’m drinking right now does)

3. Lifetime
It’s a channel on TV. Which shows nothing but incredibly unrealistic chick flick type specials. The thing I don’t get it is why you don’t have to pay by the minute to watch it. If guy porn is pay per view, why isn’t girl porn? Not that I’m advocating the pornography industry, but it seems a bit one-sided. I dunno. I’m not sure why either is around, really.

4. Neckties
It’s a way to add a little bit of class to an outfit. It’s also something you can have screen printed on a t-shirt if you’re going for the redneck-who-doesn’t-want-a-date look. But what’s the point, really? They just kind of dangle there. And blow all over the place in the presence of a strong wind. And get caught in the zipper when you put on a coat. And give you something else to iron. On the flip side, who doesn’t love Dilbert’s perpetually curled tie? That thing’s a classic.

5. Instant Tea
It’s tea for out modern, on-the-go, consumer society. And it’s blasphemy. Tea is to relaxation as air is to oxygen. Tea that can be “made” in 30 seconds and then chugged down as you jump in your Hummer is ridiculous. Proper tea requires time. Time to brew. Time to enjoy. And time to relax, read a book, rest your legs, or, dare I say it, engage in meaningful human conversation. Instant tea is crap in a cup. Without the two girls.

6. The Skirts/Pants Dichotomy
Anatomically speaking, wouldn’t it make more sense for guys to wear skirts and girls to wear pants? Maybe Scotland was right after all…

7. Pluto
Why all the hatred? Some scientists with nothing better to do than to sit around all day and argue about who gets to be a planet decided to kick Pluto out of the club a little while ago. When the Plutonians get mad and come for their heads, I’m just gonna sit back and say “I told you so”. Stupid solar system elitists. As if having water on your planet made you the boss or something…

8. Grills
As in the Nelly song. The gold teeth plates. They make you look like a rich person. A rich person who doesn’t brush. They look ridiculous. And there’s no way those can be comfortable. On the other hand, I do love that song.

That’s all for this time. More to come…maybe.

-dave





Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 2

14 01 2008
Since the first one went over pretty well, I’m doing another one of these. So sit back, grab a bag of popcorn, and enjoy another exploration of the mind of Dave Cox.

1. Tootsie Roll Pops
It’s a glob of chocolate on a stick encased in flavored sugar. The problem with these is there’s no way to make a good flavor of these. Blue Raspberry and Orange are not flavors that one would typically associate with chocolate, and for a good reason. Cherry’s the only exception to this, which is, not surprisingly, the reason Cherry is the only semi-decent flavor. And the genius who invented Chocolate-flavored Tootsie Roll Pops is the worst of them all. Why would you want chocolate encased in chocolate, much less hardened sugar that is advertised as tasting like chocolate, but is in reality a flavor entirely of its own? Which brings me to…

2. Grape Flavored Candy
Grape’s a filler flavor. Admit it. No one pees their pants with excitement upon hearing that there will be a new grape-flavored Sour Patch Kid or that Skittles is now selling bags of exclusively purple Skittles. Purple’s the one you save for last because you’ve eaten all the good ones or, if you’re like me, the one you eat first so you’ll finish on a good note. Either way, they’re no one’s favorite. This goes for Popsicles too. And everyone knows grape-flavored cough syrup is a gift from the Devil himself. I’m not sure what the world would be like without them, but I certainly don’t understand why they were invented in the first place.

3. Pink Duct Tape
Duct tape is the quintessential man tool. It’s durable, cheap, versatile, shiny, and smells like old gym clothes. Plus, you can make a wallet or necktie out of it if you need one. But why on God’s green Earth would you make it pink? I understand red or green or black duct tape. I even own a number of these. But pink? The color associated with femininity from the moment they clothe you in the maternity ward? I’m not trying to be sexist and say that women aren’t allowed to use duct tape. But if you ever saw steak-flavored lipstick, you’d be just as upset.

4. John Locke
This one has a two-fold meaning. First, John Locke’s a weird philosopher who decided that what we think is real isn’t necessarily real. I think he’s insane. Secondly, John Locke is the bald dude on Lost. I still don’t understand why he can walk now…But don’t spoil it for me. I’m still in the middle of Season 2.

5. H3s
It’s a sissy Hummer. If you’re gonna destroy the ozone and poison the air, you might as well do it in style. And by style, I mean one of those big ones. The H3’s pretty much a pansymobile. You’d look more manly in a Geo Metro.

6. Crocs
Everyone’s thinking it, I’m just saying it. Your feet, Mr. Crocs Wearer, are a blight upon society. The highly-ventilated foam monsters on your soles are the bane of everyone around you. Find me a single piece of clothing that looks good with Crocs, and I will kiss you. Because, until then, tacky will continue to take on a whole new meaning. And why would you call them Crocs anyways? Thats just an insult to reptiles everywhere. They don’t even look like a croc. If I was a crocodile, I would bite off your feet. And people would thank me.

7. Non-Alcoholic Beer
It smells bad. It tastes bad. It’s made from many of the same ingredients as moldy bread. And it doesn’t even get you drunk enough to forget about the aforementioned aspects. So what’s the point?

There’s part 2. More to follow…maybe…




Things I Don’t Understand, Pt. 1

10 12 2007

So I’m new to this whole note thing, but I’m bored, so here’s some random thoughts from the mind of Dave Cox. There are some things out there that, no matter how hard I try, I really just can’t seem to understand. Here’s a few:

1. Women
Ok, this was a no-brainer, but I’m gonna mention it anyways. It’s amazing how two creatures with near-identical DNA can have entirely different minds. For some reason, everything the man says has a completely different meaning in woman world. My solution: don’t talk. If every man mimed, I think there would be a lot less misinterpretation in the world. And by the way, if she asks if the clothes make her look fat, the answer is never, “No, you make those clothes look fat.” My face is still stinging…

2. Colbie Caillat Lyrics
I love Bubbly as much as the next guy, but I can’t listen to this song without some confusion. Here’s the lyrics to the first verse:

I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feeling like a child now
Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

Sounds innocent enough, until you stop and think about it. What the heck is a “bubbly face” anyways? The only answer I can think of is leprosy. Enough said.

3. People who go to Chuck’s just to be seen
I’ve seen them. You’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them. They lurk around the food lines, passing back and forth between the Mexican food, the grilling station, and the salad bar. They may or may not have a full plate of food with them. But either way, they never eat. They literally spend their entire lunch hour talking to the poor unsuspecting victims who are just trying to fry an egg in peace. No offense if you’re one of these people, but I really don’t see why you would walk around Chucks, of all places, just to talk to people who clearly are preoccupied with trying to get some food.

4. Biology
This exam is gonna suck…

5. Hallay and Luyah
You know who you are. The infamous gang who enters chapel shouting the half-words “hallay” and “luyah” at the top of your lungs in some sort of a singsongy, call-and-answer ritual. The question is: why do you do it? You’re not winning any friends, I can promise you that. I have yet to find the person who will admit, “I am spiritually energized by the students who yell “Hallelujah” as they walk into chapel. Without their spiritually motivated antics, I have no doubt that I would not be as close to God as I am now.” Find me that person, and I’ll relent. Until then, save the obnoxious yelling for sometime when we don’t all have to listen to it. Summer break works for me.

6. Suspenders
Unless you’re over 60 years old, there’s no excuse for these. Belts were invented somewhere around 5000 years ago (It’s true. Exodus 12:11 mentions them), and have long since replaced the need for suspenders. Plus, there’s really no way you can look awesome with them. If you don’t believe me, take Batman for example. The day he switches to utility suspenders will be the day I marry a greased pig. And for all our sakes, if you must wear suspenders, do so with a long sleeved collared button up shirt, a decent tie, and a jacket. Short sleeves, no tie, and no jacket is a fashion crime punishable by death in some areas.

7. Madden Video Games
This one’ll probably cause an uproar, but I’ll be honest. I don’t understand Madden, or any sport video games for that matter. If you’re so eager to play football, can’t you just go outside? I dunno. I think Madden could be a great game if it was reserved for hospital recovery rooms and handicapped people. It’s one thing to pretend if that’s all you can do. It’s another to let a pair of perfectly good legs go to blubber while the virtual dudes toss a football around.

8. Turducken
If American Consumerism needed a mascot, I would nominate turducken. For those of you who dont know, it’s a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey, hence the name. It just seems like overkill to me. There’s no way you can really enjoy the birds if you’ve got three competing flavors going on. Besides, I’m pretty sure there’s something fundamentally wrong with stuffing an animal inside of another animal. It’s not a natural thing.

So there’s 8 for you. I might throw up some more later on. Feel free to comment and add suggestions of other things with no explanation.

-dave