Things I’ve Heard, Pt. 3

7 12 2008

Here’s the third installment.  Sorry it’s so short.  My excuse is that it’s Finals week.  I’m sure I’ve overheard quite a bit more than this, but this is all I seem to have time to type up.

1.  Facebook Chat

The Scene:  Two Soccer players are sitting in the Computer Pit outside The Hive discussing their exploits.

Soccer Jock 1:  I got 120, man!
Soccer Jock 2:  No way, dude!  That’s awesome!
Soccer Jock 1:  I’m serious.  It almost didn’t happen, and I was so shocked when it did, but now I have the record.
Soccer Jock 2:  That’s pretty sweet.  So how did it happen?
Soccer Jock 1:  Well, the old record was, like, 107.  But I beat that by a landslide.
Soccer Jock 2:  Yah?
Soccer Jock 1:  Yah.  Soccer Jock 3 and I were just sitting at my computer the other night, watching it go up.  It was at 100, then it jumped up to 106, then it dropped down to 98.  I didn’t think it was going to happen, and then, for a few seconds, it jumped to 120!
Soccer Jock 2:  Nobody’s going to believe you, though.
Soccer Jock 1:  No, dude, Soccer Jock 3 was there too!  He saw it.
Soccer Jock 2:  Well, at least you have a witness.  That’s awesome.
Soccer Jock 1:  Yah.  So, now I have the record on the Soccer team for most friends on Facebook Chat at one time.

The Lesson:  You, my friend, need to get a life.  I have an idea.  How about you go out and spend some time with a few of those 120 friends (who are clearly as anti-social as yourself) instead of sitting in your room hoping to get a record number of them to all sit down at their computers and sign onto Facebook at the same time.  That’s just sad.  What’s even more sad is that you’re having a competition over it with your Soccer team.  You do know that most of the school scoffs at your arrogance, right?  And this isn’t helping your case out much …

I’m still not sure which is worse though: the Soccer team or the Baseball team.  But this scenario definitely helped the Soccer team a lot of points against them.

2.  Kanye West Isn’t Black

The Scene:  I’m ashamed to admit that this actually happened at my University.  However, I’m guessing they’re getting kicked out pretty soon because their IQs have dropped too low.  A group of white people sitting around discussing gansta rap and black people.

Person 1:  What about Kanye West?
Person 2:  He’s such a poser.  He’s not even ghetto at all.
Person 3:  Seriously.  He’s only, like, 1/8 black!

The Lesson:  You’re absolutely right.  How dare he try to be ghetto while only being 1/8 black!  I’m in the process of proving to our superiors that my generation isn’t as racist as our predecessors.  You guys are not helping.  If I learned anything from IQ tests, it’s the following:  If all Bs are As and all Cs are Bs, then all Cs must be As.  In this case, however, all As are not necessarily Cs, so this cannot be said in reverse.

Just because someone’s black doesn’t give them qualification to be in a gang, and not all black people are in gangs.  Please, go get an education.

3.  Mr. Dirty

The Scene:  Since we’re on a racist theme, several of us were sitting around in my room discussing theme ideas for Christmas Open Dorms.  One of us was black, yes.  We’ll call him Person 3.

Person 1:  So we can do The Many Manly Men of Christmas.
Person 2:  Alright, what are some Manly Men we can dress up as?
Person 1:  Somebody could be Mr. Clean.
Person 3:  I should do that.
Person 4:  But Mr. Clean is white.
Person 2:  That’s the point.  It’s ironic.
Person 1:  More like Mr. Dirty …

The Lesson:  Don’t ever say this.  Dave and I looked at each other with extremely awkward expressions for quite some time, trying as best we could not to completely bust out laughing.  The lesson is: stop making racist remarks! 

-alex





Things I’ve Heard, Pt. 2

13 11 2008

In the latest issue of Cedars, the Cedarville University student newspaper, the entire back page was dedicated to student responses (sent in via email) to our new president-elect, Barack Obama.  Below, I critique the ones that stuck out to me.

1.  No Words

There are no words to describe it, short and sweet.  “A dream come true.”  God is in control.

Wait, if there were no words (short and sweet or not), why do you then go on to list a few words?  That … That makes no sense.

2.  Yes We Can

Yes we did.

I had to include the Bob the Builder reference …

3.  Checks and Balances

America got what she wanted… CHANGE.  Obama, Pelosi and Reed now control the executive and legislative branches, and the possibility of the judicial branch through Obama’s nominations… so much for checks and balances!  I’m glad God is sovereign, especially even when things don’t make sense!

Very observant.  America would have gotten change either way.  Additionally, I’m pretty sure we still have checks and balances, regardless of who’s in the branches.  You can’t just take away checks and balances, that’s kind of the concept of The Constitution.

4.  Zimmerman/Thompson ’12

I put down myself and my roommate as write-ins.  Even though Obama is technically the winner, I’m still hoping that works out for us.  Zimmerman/Thompson ’12!!!!

Kristi, you’re famous!  Oh, by the way, Dave wrote this from your email account, that’s why you don’t remember writing it ;).  Words of wisdom: never leave your computer unattended.  Also, you guys should probably give up now.  You don’t stand a chance against the unstoppable force of the Cox/Laird ‘012 train!

5.  Antarctica

I’m moving to Antarctica.  Anybody wanna come with me?

We’re holding you to that.  You and everyone who claims they’re moving to Canada, Africa, and … anywhere out of the country.  Actually, Dave has a bona fide list.  You’ve got two months after Obama’s sworn in to get out or he’s reporting you to homeland security.  So there.

6.  9/11 Comparisons

Obama, the new president-elect, has made history and I respect that immensely.  However, those at Cedarville that try to elevate the significance of this historical event to the same importance of events like 9/11 are horribly misguided.

I completely agree.  Why would you even compare the election to 9/11?  They’re on two completely different spectrums.  One involved terrorists slaughtering countless innocent Americans.  The other involved the majority of the country picking one man to be their new president.  So any connection that might be there is one you made up.  Probably on your connecting flight to Antarctica.

7.  Christian Responses

While I didn’t vote for Obama, I am frustrated by responses I’ve heard from some Christians, referring to people who didn’t vote for John McCain as ignorant and uninformed.  Just because someone votes differently than you doesn’t mean they’re ignorant.

Preach it!  Please refer to the stupidity in this article for a few examples.

8.  Voting by Skin Color

I’m excited about having a black president for the first time in America history, but I think that the way some people voted and talked indicated that we as a nation still have not reached the point where people are not judged by skin color.

Although I think that it’s cool to have an African American president, it really bothers me that he may be the first president who might not have wont he election but for the color of his skin.

Two people both posted on the same issue.  Obama is clearly our new president simply because he’s black.  It has nothing to do with his policies, or how sick our country is of our previous Republic president, or how horrible the alternative (John McCain) was.  Here’s the thing though.  People say Obama wouldn’t have won if he was white, and he was the “first president to win based on race”.  Well, I’d bet money that Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have won if he was black.  So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

9.  Don’t Trust the Promises

Obama will crush the poor and middle class.  Taxes on “the rich” (that nebulous arch-enemy trotted out by progressives seeking power) will be passed on to the consumer through raised prices, downsizing and layoffs, plus outsourcing.  Don’t believe his promises.

Yes.  Taxing the rich means higher prices.  Because taxing the poor to the point they that can’t afford things and the demand decreases while the supply remains the same could never affect prices.

10.  First African American President

I am first, and foremost, disappointed that Senator McCain did not win the presidential race.  However, “America voted” and chose Barack Obama to be our next president.  We have our first white, black, and Arab president!

I first and foremost would like to know why you put quotation marks around “America voted.”  I can’t stand it when quotation marks are used unnecessarily.  And … Wait, Obama is Arab?  That’s news to me.  I thought he was our first African American president, not Arab.  Now I’m just confused.  Or you’re just a moron.  Yeah, that’s the one.

11.  Hope

Hope.

Apparently the less words you provide, the bigger the font they use.  Seriously, this one was the largest quote, in the middle of the page.  And the “Yes we did” one wasn’t much smaller.

12.  Misbehaving Child

Like a parent whose child has just misbehaved, I still love America, yet dislike its behavior at this time.  The election of Barack Obama signals a cardinal change in American voting behavior from voting on what a candidate represents, to voting based on who a person represents.

I included this specifically because, not only do I love Brad, but he is also one of the few that actually proofread their emails before sending it to Cedars.  High five!





Thing’s I’ve Heard, Pt. 1

21 10 2008

After picking up on far too many ridiculous conversations, I’ve started to compile them into a rather length list to give you.  Here’s my first installment of Things I’ve Heard.  (Sorry, there’s only three for now.)  Enjoy the explotation of others!

1.  “So, What Are You Doing Tonight?”

The Scene: A Math major comes bursting out of ENS, in a hurry to catch a girl that had left a bit earlier.  He grabbed his bike from the rack and started pushing it forward, down the hill, while simultaneously trying to get on it quickly, tripping over himself many times in the process.  He caught up with her at the bottom of the hill and gave up on trying to get on his bike; it just wasn’t working out.  Mustering up all his available courage, he started an awkward conversation with her … About derivatives.  Clearly a sure-fire way to woo any girl.  After much coughing, long, awkward pauses, and stumbling through various conversations (that mostly failed), the following conversation finally transpired.

Guy:  So, what are you doing tonight?
Girl:  Oh, I don’t know.  Probably homework.  I have a lot of that.
Guy:  Yah?  Me too.
*long pause*
Guy:  Well, um … Would you want to do something?  I mean, with me?
Girl:  I don’t know.  What would we do?
Guy:  OH!  Um … I don’t know.  I … um … I guess we could do anything.  I mean, there’s always … Ping Pong.  Or Pool.  I have some movies we could watch.

The Lesson: I can only assume that at the point of *long pause* the guy was hoping the girl would take the initiative and ask, “Do you want to do homework with me?”  She didn’t.  And this was his first sign of failure, as he wasn’t even bold enough to ask her himself.  The next point of misery was the problem all too many guys run into:  They forget to think of what they could do if the girl actually agrees to hang out with them!  Plan ahead, be confident, act natural.

2.  Cross-Dressing Guy

The Scene: A guy and a girl are walking together, the guy clearly trying to impress the girl (he had “that tone”), the girl clearly unimpressed (she had it too).

Guy:  So, this is a great story.  Back in High School, me and a bunch of buddies were going to go to this dance, right?  So, just as a joke, the girls gave us their … Their …
*snaps fingers*
Girl:  Nail polish?
Guy:  Yah, that’s it!  Pink nail polish.  And we all put it on.  It was hilarious.
Girl:  Yup … That’s hilarious.
Guy:  But it gets better.  After we put the pink nail polish on, we thought, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we dressed up in dresses and stuff to go to the dance?”  So, me and all the guys wore the girls dresses to the dance.
Girl:  You crossdressed?
Guy:  No, no!  It gets better still.  So, the guys wore all the girls dresses to the dance, so the girls decided they would wear our suits and stuff.  It was hilarious!
Girl:  So, you crossdressed … ?
Guy:  No, no!  We didn’t crossdress.  We just wore each others clothes.
Girl:  You crossdressed …

The Lesson: Let’s see what Webster has to say to us.  Crossdressing:  The wearing of clothes designed for the opposite sex. Hey, buddy, you crossdressed.  And, last time I checked, unless you’re dating a drag queen, that’s probably not the best way to impress a girl.

3.  Winnie the Pooh

The Scene: Two guys, upon emerging from a building, look up the sky to notice the grey clouds.

Guy 1:  Tut-tut, it looks like rain.
Guy 2:  Ha, yah.  You know, it’s funny, everybody says that, but nobody actually knows what it’s from.
*long, awkward pause*
Guy 1:  Uh, dude … That’s from Winnie the Pooh.
Guy 2:  Huh?  Oh, right, I knew that.

The Lesson: You didn’t know that.  And you’re not a very good liar.  You should work on your comebacks for situations like that so you could at least try to play it off like you were joking.  But you must be a clearly deprived child to not have had Winnie the Pooh read to you when you were in your youth.  I pitty you.  Also, “everybody” doesn’t say that.  That’s one of the few times I’ve ever heard it quoted.

More to come as soon as I have time to write them up/overhear them!

-alex