Things I’ve Heard, Pt. 3

7 12 2008

Here’s the third installment.  Sorry it’s so short.  My excuse is that it’s Finals week.  I’m sure I’ve overheard quite a bit more than this, but this is all I seem to have time to type up.

1.  Facebook Chat

The Scene:  Two Soccer players are sitting in the Computer Pit outside The Hive discussing their exploits.

Soccer Jock 1:  I got 120, man!
Soccer Jock 2:  No way, dude!  That’s awesome!
Soccer Jock 1:  I’m serious.  It almost didn’t happen, and I was so shocked when it did, but now I have the record.
Soccer Jock 2:  That’s pretty sweet.  So how did it happen?
Soccer Jock 1:  Well, the old record was, like, 107.  But I beat that by a landslide.
Soccer Jock 2:  Yah?
Soccer Jock 1:  Yah.  Soccer Jock 3 and I were just sitting at my computer the other night, watching it go up.  It was at 100, then it jumped up to 106, then it dropped down to 98.  I didn’t think it was going to happen, and then, for a few seconds, it jumped to 120!
Soccer Jock 2:  Nobody’s going to believe you, though.
Soccer Jock 1:  No, dude, Soccer Jock 3 was there too!  He saw it.
Soccer Jock 2:  Well, at least you have a witness.  That’s awesome.
Soccer Jock 1:  Yah.  So, now I have the record on the Soccer team for most friends on Facebook Chat at one time.

The Lesson:  You, my friend, need to get a life.  I have an idea.  How about you go out and spend some time with a few of those 120 friends (who are clearly as anti-social as yourself) instead of sitting in your room hoping to get a record number of them to all sit down at their computers and sign onto Facebook at the same time.  That’s just sad.  What’s even more sad is that you’re having a competition over it with your Soccer team.  You do know that most of the school scoffs at your arrogance, right?  And this isn’t helping your case out much …

I’m still not sure which is worse though: the Soccer team or the Baseball team.  But this scenario definitely helped the Soccer team a lot of points against them.

2.  Kanye West Isn’t Black

The Scene:  I’m ashamed to admit that this actually happened at my University.  However, I’m guessing they’re getting kicked out pretty soon because their IQs have dropped too low.  A group of white people sitting around discussing gansta rap and black people.

Person 1:  What about Kanye West?
Person 2:  He’s such a poser.  He’s not even ghetto at all.
Person 3:  Seriously.  He’s only, like, 1/8 black!

The Lesson:  You’re absolutely right.  How dare he try to be ghetto while only being 1/8 black!  I’m in the process of proving to our superiors that my generation isn’t as racist as our predecessors.  You guys are not helping.  If I learned anything from IQ tests, it’s the following:  If all Bs are As and all Cs are Bs, then all Cs must be As.  In this case, however, all As are not necessarily Cs, so this cannot be said in reverse.

Just because someone’s black doesn’t give them qualification to be in a gang, and not all black people are in gangs.  Please, go get an education.

3.  Mr. Dirty

The Scene:  Since we’re on a racist theme, several of us were sitting around in my room discussing theme ideas for Christmas Open Dorms.  One of us was black, yes.  We’ll call him Person 3.

Person 1:  So we can do The Many Manly Men of Christmas.
Person 2:  Alright, what are some Manly Men we can dress up as?
Person 1:  Somebody could be Mr. Clean.
Person 3:  I should do that.
Person 4:  But Mr. Clean is white.
Person 2:  That’s the point.  It’s ironic.
Person 1:  More like Mr. Dirty …

The Lesson:  Don’t ever say this.  Dave and I looked at each other with extremely awkward expressions for quite some time, trying as best we could not to completely bust out laughing.  The lesson is: stop making racist remarks! 

-alex