The Conclusive Couple’s Lingo Handbook

13 03 2009

As Alex and I have decided, it is of utmost importance to use the proper terms when referring to various forms of PDA. As such, we have compiled a handy glossary of terms for you to know which term to use in which situation.

1. Cuddle
A very broad term, used to describe an act of affection between one person and another that involves no lips or anything inappropriate. This kind of behavior is most often seen in Cedarville within lounge couples, as it is fairly innocent and only mostly awkward for those around you.

2. Snuggle
A bit more intimate than simply cuddling, snuggling is often done in a reclined or horizontal position and is usually accompanied by the whispering of sweet nothings into one another’s ears. This one’s pretty sensual, kids, so save this one for the honeymoon.

3. Canoodle
A form of head cuddling, this one involves affectionate rubbing of the back, top, and sides of your head against your significant other. This one is weird if you just jump right into it, so you’ll probably want to segue in with a simpler form of cuddling.

4. Nuzzle
A modified version of canoodling, involving more of the face than the other sides of the head. The name comes from the use of the nose prominently in this method.

5. Grope
This is sketchy territory. Groping involves use of the palms primarily and should not be wielded by any couple not wearing matching wedding bands. According to Alex, “it involves squeezing”. Enough has been said about this topic.

6. Fondle
Groping with fingers instead of palms.

7. Graze
The paradoxical touch. A graze can be accidental, with no meaning implied and entirely by accident, or it can be purposeful, a provocative touch used to send a message. A graze is simply a skimming of the skin using fingertips or even the nails. This touch can lead to all kinds of nonsense, so be careful.

8. Caress
Like a graze, but you linger more, rather than glancing off. This is when you want to send a message with your graze, and you want to make sure it’s coming through loud and clear. It’s pretty much a “come hither” move.

9. Hug
A hug involves mutual arm wrapping around the upper torso and shoulder regions. No rubbing, patting, or anything else is involved in this one. This is what you give your grandma.

10. Bro Hug
A hug between two men. Used to express “guy love”, which is not gay, but rather a deep-seated feeling of respect, appreciation, and comraderie. The traditional distinguishing mark of a bro hug is two pats on the back mid-hug.

11. Embrace
A more intense version of a hug, used to express deep emotion, usually “I missed you” or “I love you”. This involves tighter squeezing than a typical hug, and may involve some rubbing of the back for good measure.

12. Kug
A kiss hug. Not to be confused with one added while performing the other, a kug is only a kug when both hug and kiss are initiated simultaneously.

13. Grug
Kudos to Alex for this one. This is an embrace, but with copious back rubbing, groping, and fondling. If you’re not sure if it’s a grug or an embrace, look around you. A true grug will disgust everyone in the immediate vicinity except those involved.

14. Huddle
Not an affectionate cuddle. A huddle can be used for warmth or to relay vital information in a football game. Usually comprised of 3 or more people, rather than the usual 2. A huddle is always platonic; any feelings for co-huddlers should not be addressed or expressed mid-huddle.

15. Spoon
To lay close together, allowing the bodies’ shape to contour to one another. Named for its resemblance to a stack of spoons. This can be used for warmth, like a huddle, or amorously, like a snuggle.

16. Neck
Necking is a tricky term. Some use it to mean heavy kissing or making out; others interpret it as a rubbing of two necks together. The latter of these two is the correct definition. If you’re unsure what this looks like, please refer to Simba and Nala in The Lion King when they’re all grown up and “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” is drawing to a close. I think it happens in a couple of other places, too.

17. Pet
Like you would do to a dog. Not intended for use outside of marital boundaries.

18. Dandle
It’s a real word. We looked it up. This is a standing cuddle, usually while walking. Each participant has one arm around the other and the two walk close together, often in sync. Comical results may occur when the couple varies dramatically in height or one member’s shoe is untied.

19. Feel Up
Groping exclusive to the errogenous zones. Don’t even think about this one, kids.

20. Nestle
Similar to a canoodle, but far more one-sided. Often done by the woman, it involves burying one’s head in their partner’s chest, usually lingering there for a significant period of time. The nestlee will often wrap his/her arms around the nestler in a half-hug so they don’t feel left out.

21. Kiss
Contact between the two sets of lips. That’s all there is to it.

22. Make Out
Also known less formally as “tonsil hockey” and “spit swapping”, making out involves open mouths and tongues swirling. An awkward moment may occur involving the clinking of the teeth together; for this reason, it is advised that at least one person keep their upper lip wrapped around their incisors.

23. Snog
While the British use this to refer to making out, a bona fide snog is an even more intense version of tonsil hockey. In a snog, tongue-to-uvula contact is not uncommon and participants may experience a gag reflex if their partner gets carried away. Known for its high rate of spreading disease as well as the weird taste left in the mouth afterwards.

24. Side Hug
A gesture of comraderie, the side hug is usually one-sided and involves a momentary wrapping of one’s arm around the other’s shoulders while standing akimbo to them.

25. Butterfly Kiss
Brushing of the eyelashes against each other. Some find it to be cute; others, incredibly annoying. Consult your partner first before attempting this one.

26. Eskimo Kiss
Mutual nuzzling of the noses against one another. No actual connection to Inuits.

27. Firm Handshake
An excellent gesture in business, it can bring a level of awkwardness to a relationship and usually signifies that he/she is just not that into you.

So there you have it folks. Dave and Alex’s definitive guide to what to call whatever those lounge couples over there are doing. If you have any suggestions for additions (keep it clean), feel free to let us know.

-dave and alex